Sitting Within the Discomfort of Heartbreak
Luck was on my side today as I returned to the place I love to write. My mind has been spinning. Surely, I am not the only one who hates sitting with sadness, grief and the discomfort of the unknown and yet, I aim to call it in like a friend and say, “Stay awhile, but not too long. Let me know what I need to, share what you see and allow the space for me to feel and process it all.”
But let’s get real here, it fucking sucks sometimes, you know!?!
When you’re in this state, do you feel called to return to comfort, make the easy choice (that’s really not so easy), throw your life back into a dumpster fire of what feels comfortable and find yourself, yet again, back to where you swore you wouldn’t return to? I hear you loud and clear.
“Just sit and breathe,” I hear. I do as I’m told and what comes up? Tears. My heart cracks open and tears fill my eyes as my body begs me to release like the pouring rain on the river outside but I contain it. This feels like I’m betraying my body, my heart and soul.
To truly honour the divine feminine within, I must allow her to wrap herself around me and hold me in this time of grief.
In these moments, you fight so hard to put on a brave face but when do you ever give yourself full permission to fall apart, lay on the floor, bellow ugly cries to release all you’re trying to mask and contain within? The floodgates must open and the rush of the waters you hold onto so tightly must be shed.
Why do we try so hard to keep up appearances, force ourselves to hold it together and deny the true nature of our beings that are meant to flow and give space to the feelings of life? What favour does it do for anyone, I wonder?
The Queen of Cups that repeatedly shows herself is the call to nurture, mother and be easy on oneself at this time. The passing new moon in Libra called us to understand that while there is plenty of discourse to be bombarded with around the world, can we make space for the peace in our hearts and find a balance within to help ourselves and the collective that feel this pain so intensely? Are we able to know that we are all intrinsically and energetically connected whereby we are never alone in our struggles of heartache, heartbreak and fear of the unknown before us? I think we can.
So the call is not to distract but rather to feel.
I wish that relationships and love all had a happy ending. I wish that we could fully live in joy and bliss, all get along and never hurt one another. My Libra rising is the lover girl at heart and always will be. However, if love is asking us to betray and abandon ourselves just to stay alive, then that isn’t truly love at all.
As a recovering people pleaser, it’s been a journey of self-discovery, learning to say, “No,” setting boundaries and staying true to myself even if that means losing another. My goddess, how hard that has been, I cannot tell you. As a person who was always willing to self-abandon just to “keep the peace”, over-give to the extent of burnout and depletion and show up where I was not shown up for, over and over again, it’s been a challenging uphill battle to say the least.
Isn’t that the point though? To fully see yourself and understand that you are the one who hurts yourself the most? If the same thing keeps happening, you have to take accountability that you are the common denominator here. Only when I sat in the muck of it all did it become apparent that I was the problem and unless I was willing to shift and change, I’ll continue to see the same patterns in different people reappear time and time again.
A small orange ladybug appeared on my purse just now. It’s the second one I’ve had around me in the past few hours. A sign of good fortune and associated with transition and change. My nervous system is not calm and grounded as I consider the spaces where I feel concern and questions unanswered. I have faith though. These little messengers of the divine are here to provide a sense of peace and presence that we aren’t ever alone or separated from source. Trust in the unknown. My body has full body chills as my sign that spirit with me and confirmation all is exactly as it needs to be.
So I shall sit and see. Have patience and hold tight. There’s no action that must be done at this time. Just allow the water to flow in whatever way it needs to as I move through this. Also, please know, if you too are resonating with this, the same goes for you as well.
I sit with you and I hold your hand in this.
Dear Sister, you are loved. Have faith and believe in a better tomorrow.
